Odds & ends

• A reminder that this Sunday is International Bereaved Mothers Day. (It's always the Sunday before that "other" day in May!) I never really do anything to mark the occasion, but it's nice to think that there's an "official" day just for us. :)  (I wrote a little more about Bereaved Mothers Day and how it began here, last year.) 
• There's an promotional ad for a TV show on CTV here in Canada (and possible other markets elsewhere?) called "Sullivan's Crossing." (Filmed in Nova Scotia, with a Canadian cast.)  The ad has been  running CONSTANTLY -- and it's driving me nuts, primarily because it includes a shot of a young woman with a voiceover chirping, "I'm gonna be a MOM!"  Just the reminder I don't need! especially with You-Know-What Day fast approaching.... :p  
• Lisa Kissane (who created Instagram's Nomo Book Club, now run by Rosalyn Scott), has started a Substack about her experiences as a childless step-grandmother. Check it out at "The Childless (Step) Nanna)." 
• From Sue Fagalde Lick at Childless by Marriage:  "Four simple words that can end a conversation."  (Been there, done that, got the T-shirt...) 
• From Ali Hall on Medium:  "Adult-Only Spaces Are Not an Attack on Children." Sample quote:  "It may seem paradoxical, but we can like children and not always want to be around them." 
• I also appreciated the inclusion of this passage:  "Sometimes, those propping up the bar in adult-only pubs desperately want children and are seeking a safe space to drown their sorrows after yet another failed IVF cycle, and in their grief, they can’t bear to be around children because it hurts too much." 
• Pronatalism alert from the Washington Post:  "Blake Masters disparages his House opponent for not having kids."  (Gift link.) Masters is (just guess...!!) an Arizona Republican running for the U.S. House of Representatives.  I am SO tired of politicians who use their families (versus their opponents' lack of children, for whatever reason) as political fodder! 
• The Washington Post recently took a look "Inside the opaque world of IVF, where errors are rarely made public."  (Gift link.)  
• Sample quote:  “The vast, vast supermajority of mistakes in fertility clinics, the public doesn’t even know about,” said Adam B. Wolf, a prominent attorney for fertility plaintiffs...
• Another passage:  

All of Monica Coakley’s 18 eggs were in cryopreservation Tank 4 at Pacific Fertility Center when it crumpled like an empty soda can, devastating nearly 500 people’s hopes of having children. She was 42, did not have a partner and was not ready to get pregnant, but freezing her reproductive material had given her assurance that she had time.

And suddenly that was gone. She tried to have more eggs retrieved, but the procedure did not work. She said she accepted settlements from the San Francisco clinic and Chart Inc., the tank manufacturer, and is prohibited from disclosing the terms.

“It makes me sick, still,” Coakley, now 47, said in an interview. “I look at this money now that’s in my account and it doesn’t make me feel any better. I wake up most mornings and still go, ‘I can’t believe I don’t have kids.’”

• I was amused/bemused to note, near the end, this sentence:  "They had the best two implanted, or “transferred” to Laura, in the parlance of fertility care... "  Close, but no cigar, right?  (lol)  The (mis)use of "implant' versus "transfer" (which is the correct terminology in this instance) has long been a pet peeve here in the ALI blogworld...!  
• From Today: "IVF ruined my life. What I learned from years of failed fertility treatments." Excerpt:  

IVF is an incredible gift. The science behind it is astonishing — and yet, it’s not enough. Three years, five egg retrievals, 10 embryo transfers, 19 embryos, $165,000 and over 80 pounds of weight gained — and I have nothing to show for it. It’s not the doctor’s fault, nor is it my fault. Objectively, I can recognize that. But as I look back on who I used to be three years ago, the confident, happy, hopeful young woman who dreamed of raising a family of her own, I can’t help but think that despite its magnificence, IVF ruined my life.

I am a broken shell of the person I used to be. I have nightmares; I have inescapable bouts of depression. I can’t look at an ultrasound image without choking back tears.

I will never be the same again. IVF did that to me. Hope did that to me. I wish there was more transparency around IVF — I wish there was more honesty about what it’s really like. Would I have gone forward with it if I had known how it would destroy me? In truth, I can’t answer that question. I don’t know.

• Vox recently published an article, "The failed promise of egg freezing," an eye-opening look at  the realities and limitations of the procedure, based on more than a decade's worth of statistics and research, since egg freezing became more widely available in 2012. 
• "For many years, the effectiveness of the procedure was a bit of a black box: Not enough people had tried to use their frozen eggs for scientists to pull together reliable data. Now, however, a picture is emerging," the article says. 
• Childlessness gets a passing message not just once but twice, including a quote from Katy Seppi of Childless Collective:  

Some of that feeling [that this will work, despite no guarantees] may stem from a kind of relentless optimism in American culture — or, perhaps, a Protestant work ethic — around the idea of having biological children, the message that if people simply try hard enough and long enough, they will eventually be rewarded with a child. This messaging has led some women to open up in recent years about their unsuccessful infertility treatments, to destigmatize their experiences. “For those of us who close our infertility chapters without a baby, we’re often met with unsolicited advice, reinforcing the narrative that we obviously gave up too early,” one woman, Katy Seppi, told CNN. 

And:   

Greater support for single parents and other family forms beyond the heterosexual two-parent household could also take the pressure off of women to bank eggs in hopes of meeting a male partner. So, too, could a greater social acceptance of the value of a child-free life, especially since more and more people are choosing not to have children. While many people who freeze eggs have a deep and personal desire for children, it’s also the case that women, especially, experience enormous social and even political pressure to reproduce — and reducing that pressure could free some people to pursue other shapes for their lives.

Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

April was not as cold as it's been some years (no blizzards!)... but not as warm as it's been other years either (no capris yet!). Lots of dull, grey, rainy days. But the temperatures are trending milder, the trees are budding out, and cheerful yellow dandelions are popping up everywhere. I started doing some spring cleaning, we had an eclipse, and dh celebrated his birthday! 

Pandemic diary/update: With April, we entered year number FIVE!! -- month #49 -- of living under the shadow of covid.  Nobody seems to be talking much about covid these days... but we know it's still out there. We remain covid-free (knocking wood, loudly...), and continue to mask in stores and most other public places, especially where there are a lot of people. (We'll be attending a large 90th birthday party at a restaurant this weekend for dh's uncle, where we won't be wearing masks... wish us luck!)  

Among other things this month, we: 

• Went to the bookstore three times, the bank twice (to use the ABMs), the drugstore to pick up prescriptions & sundries twice, Reitmans (women's clothing store) and the LCBO (Liquor Control Board of Ontario = liquor store), once each. (Beer and wine have been allowed to be sold in some Ontario supermarkets for about 10 years now, but spirits must be purchased through the LCBO).
• Had to call in an HVAC technician after our heat conked out on April 3rd... AGAIN. (The same thing happened on March 22nd.) (Question:  Why does the heat always, ALWAYS conk out around 5:30 a.m.??)  This time, he brought the replacement part we needed and fixed the issue (fingers crossed...!)  -- to the tune of almost $600 (gulp!) -- but hey, it had to be done... 
• Also had a visit from the plumber on April 29th to clear the drain in our master bathroom sink, which refused to budge despite repeated doses of baking soda & vinegar. (Half hour visit = $250 plus HST!!)   
• We also had him look at the faucet in the tub/shower in the other bathroom, which seems to have been stripped and is difficult to turn completely off. He didn't have the necessary part, but says he'll come fix it the next time he's in the area. 
• Went to the supermarket with dh on April 6th to pick up some stuff for dinner. 
• Spent a few hours on the morning of April 8th with Little Great-Nephew & BIL at BIL's house (playing umpteen games of hide-and-seek with LGN! -- he had the day off school because of the eclipse), and then home in the afternoon to watch the effects of the eclipse. 
• Also had lunch at BIL & SIL's with Older Nephew & Little Great-Nephew (the wife/mom was at work) on one weekend, and with Younger Nephew, his wife & Little Great-Niece on another! 
• Spent the morning of April 11th (dh's birthday) at the mall, walking around, shopping and having an early lunch in the food court. (HIS idea!  lol) 
• Returned to the mall for more walking, shopping and lunch on April 23rd.
• Drove out to our old community on Sunday, April 14th, for our spring covid boosters. En route home, I got a text from SIL, and we wound up going directly there for coffee & pastries to celebrate dh's birthday.  

Also in April, my 84-year-old dad had hernia repair surgery (on April 9th). (Did I mention my parents live in a SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE?? = lots of stairs to navigate.)  Thankfully, my sister is able to work remotely and was able to stay with him & my mom for two weeks to help out.  

 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 5 books in April (reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2024 books").  

• "The Improbability of Love" by Hannah Rothschild (the April book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club).  (My review.) 
• "Wolf Hall" by Hilary Mantel, part of a "slow readalong" hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents. (My review.)   
• "Widowland," by C.J. Carey (re-read;  originally read in November 2021 and reviewed then here). (My re-review.) 
• "Bel Lamington" by D.E. Stevenson -- a re-read with my DES group. (My review;  original review here.) 
• "Queen High/Queen Wallis" by C.J. Carey (a re-read and the May book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club -- my earlier review here). Sequel to "Widowland," which the group read in November 2021 (reviewed here and here).  (My re-review.) 

This brings me to 14 books read so far in 2024, 31% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books.  I am currently back on track to meet my goal. :)   

Current read(s): 

• Fletcher’s End by D.E. Stevenson, for my DES group -- a sequel to "Bel Lamington" (see above). Group read starting soon! 
• "Bring Up the Bodies" by Hilary Mantel (book #2 in the Thomas Cromwell Trilogy) -- part of a year-long "slow readalong" hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents.  We started April 29th. We will read #3 in the trilogy, "The Mirror and the Light," later in the year (starting July 22nd, I think?). 
• "Anne's House of Dreams" by L.M. Montgomery, a re-read with my LMM Readathon Facebook group, which began Jan. 15th and will run through late May. (My original review here.) 
• "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy (!). As I wrote here, I need another book club/readalong obligation like a hole in the head  ;)  but nevertheless, I'm taking part in a year-long readalong of this book, hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents -- a chapter a day for a full year, which began Jan. 1, 2024. Currently at about 39% read.  
• "L.M. Montgomery and Gender," an essay collection edited by E. Holly Pike & Laura Robinson. Slowly working my way through, in between the other books...! 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club: 
• "All In" by Billie Jean King (June)
• For my D.E. Stevenson group:  This list of upcoming books should keep us busy through 2024, and well into 2025!  (A couple of the books are ones we covered when I first joined the group back in 2014 -- you know you've been around for a while when....!)  
• Miss Buncle’s Book
• Peter West 
• Miss Buncle Married
• The Two Mrs. Abbotts
• Crooked Adam 
• The Four Graces

• For the Notes from Three Pines (Louise Penny mysteries) Readalong: The last discussion was for book #3, "The Cruellest Month," posted in June 2023 (no further posts/books since then).  I've continued dipping into the series on my own, between other book club obligations. Book #6, "Bury Your Dead," is the next one on my to-read list! 

A few recently purchased titles (mostly in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points):  

• "Being Henry: The Fonz... and Beyond" by Henry Winkler 
• "Rocks:  My Life in and out of Aerosmith" by Joe Perry
• "Bergdorf Blondes" by Plum Sykes 
• "Remembering America:  A Voice from the Sixties" by Richard N. Goodwin 
• "Me, the Mob and the Music" by Tommy James 
• "Dancing on the Edge" by Russ Tamblyn 
• "Prequel:  An American Fight Against Fascism" by Rachel Maddow 
• "Mennonite in a Little Black Dress" by Rhoda Janzen 
• "Stupid and Contagious" by Caprice Crane 
• "Camera Girl" by Carl Sferrazza Anthony 
• "The Postcard" by Anne Berest (paperback) 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Watching: 

• The last few (new) episodes of Season 10 of "Finding Your Roots" on PBS.  Now in reruns.  
• "Mr. Bates vs the Post Office" on PBS (4 consecutive Sunday nights in April) -- based on a true story from the U.K.  Heartbreaking, infuriating -- and captivating! (Also: the central couple in the story are childless!) 
• Also on PBS: "American Experience" on April 22nd: "Poisoned Ground: The Tragedy at Love Canal," which I remember from the news during my late teens/early 20s. (These days, I live about a 2 hour drive from Love Canal.)  Love Canal was an entire subdivision in Niagara Falls, New York, that was built on top of a toxic waste site -- with consequences that are no surprise to us these days (precisely because of what happened at Love Canal and other such places) -- but back then, no one knew why their backyards and basements were oozing a mysterious black sludge, or why so many babies were being miscarried or stillborn, or why their children were getting sick. 
• I winced a bit over the "moms save the world" narrative -- but back then, it really was a notable thing that this group of ordinary housewives were demanding answers & action from the (mostly) men in power -- and getting it!  The changes they prompted are still benefiting all of us today, in America & elsewhere, more than 40 years later. Amazing. 
• My uncle's Celebration of Life from Minneapolis last Friday (April 26th). The connection wasn't great, but it's better on the replay, and I was grateful to be able to be there virtually, if not in person. 

Listening: To Heardle Decades: Stats as of  April 30th:     

• Heardle 60s: 76.4% (438/573, 181 on first guess), up from last month. Max. streak: 15.
• Heardle 70s: 80.9% (314/254, 135 on first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 18. 
• Heardle 80s: 43.9% (82/187,  32 on first guess), up from last month. Max. streak: 4. 
• Heardle 90s: 27.6% (82/297, 16 on first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 4. 

Eating/Drinking:  We made meatloaf muffins with my Mom's meatloaf recipe, easy chicken tetrazzini, crockpot chicken & dumplings, and broccoli quinoa spoon salad again this month. Yum!  

Had A&W chicken strips and fries at the mall food court on two occasions. 

Takeout dinners this month included rotisserie chicken (with wedge fries and salad) from the supermarket (we used the leftover chicken to make chicken tetrazzini the next day), California Sandwiches for dh's birthday (veal cutlet with tomato sauce for him, chicken cutlet for me), teriyaki rice bowls (chicken for me, beef for dh), and chicken souvlaki with lemon potatos. 

We had barbecued steaks, burgers and hot dogs for lunch at BIL's on a recent Sunday -- the first barbecue of the year/season! -- along with corn on the cob, salad and crusty bread, with Italian pastries (mini zeppoles -- yum!) for dessert. 

Buying (besides books, lol):  

• New vertical blinds for our three floor-to-ceiling/wall-to-wall windows, from Blinds To Go. Paid the balance due and scheduled installation for May 1st! (They're up, and they're beautiful!)  
• Flowers for my late uncle's Celebration of Life in Minneapolis on April 26th, on behalf of my parents, sister & her partner, and me & dh.  
• New everyday shoes (Clarks, extra-wide), since my old ones are wearing down at the heels.  

Wearing: Still in my long-sleeved T-shirts, yoga pants, socks & slippers -- it's still been chilly outside, albeit the warmer days are becoming more frequent. I've actually not been wearing slippers over my socks these past few days! 

Noticing:  The trees started budding, mid-month! And the dandelions are already out! 

Trying:  A new game app for my phone:  2248. HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.  

Prioritizing:  My book club reads, even though I have some other books I'm dying to get into...!  

Avoiding (or trying to...!):  Mother's Day marketing/hype. It's everywhere right now. I've only received one opt-out email so far (from Ancestry). 

Wondering:  Whether I should follow up (again) with my family doctor. I used the prescription ointment he gave me for a month, as directed -- and the red patch/rosacea on my cheek has faded significantly, but it hasn't gone completely away. The patch of rosacea alongside my nose is also still there (some days it looks better than others), and right now, my nose is full of tiny pimples and looks red too. Aging sucks sometimes...! -- I had better skin as a teenager! :p  (Honestly, why did I ever worry about my skin as a teenager??)    

Also wondering:  Whether I should try to cram in a manicure (& possibly a pedicure?) before dh's uncle's birthday party on Saturday??  (Even though I don't think I'll be wearing sandals and showing off my toes just yet...) 

Appreciating: My sister, who stayed with my parents for two weeks to help them out while my dad recovered from his hernia repair surgery (along with all the other stuff she regularly does for them). 

Wanting: More hours in the day...!  I never seem to get everything done that I want or need to do...!  

Hoping:  To shed my sluggishness and bad habits and start walking again more regularly, soon!  (I spend WAY too much time sitting!)

Loving: Spending time with our nephews and their kids. :)  

Feeling: Glad that winter finally seems to be behind us. Hopeful that warmer weather will be here soon (but not TOO warm, not yet, I hope...!). Also hopefully optimistic about the summer!  and looking forward to a visit with my parents & sister then!  :)  

#MicroblogMondays: Oodles and Caboodles

Our master bathroom sink has never drained very well for the entire eight years we've now lived here.  A dose of baking soda & vinegar, followed by a hot water rinse a few minutes later, has usually done the trick and cleared things up for a month or two -- but not this time around. It soon became obvious that we needed to call a plumber. (All I can say is, thank goodness for second bathrooms...!)

I removed everything that was sitting underneath the sink -- and after the plumber came and left this morning (yay!!), I wiped out the empty cupboard with Lysol. But before I started putting everything back again, I decided I needed to go through all my makeup & skin care products and cull the outdated and long-unused stuff.  

Some background:  I've been a huge makeup & skincare junkie for... well, since I started using the stuff as a teenager -- Maybelline, Cover Girl, Revlon. Along with books, it's been one of my biggest indulgences.  My sister introduced me to Clinique makeup back in the early 1980s -- I wore Clinique on my wedding day in 1985 -- and I really got into it in my late 20s/early 30s, when I started working and wearing makeup to the office every day. I didn't do much to take care of my skin until I was probably about 30, but a Clinique consultant got me to try their classic three-step regime, and that still forms the basis of my skincare routine today. I've dabbled in other brands over the years, and I've used a lot of Estee Lauder stuff too -- but I've stayed pretty loyal to Clinique all these years. 

These days, quality cosmetic and skincare brands are available in lots of different places -- drugstores, at Sephora, direct from the companies themselves online -- but back then, department stores were pretty much the only place you could buy it. Fortunately, my office tower was a short walk from the Toronto Eaton Centre, with two department stores (Hudson Bay and Eatons -- later Sears) and their rows and rows of makeup counters full of goodies. Occasionally, I would also slip up to Holt Renfrew on the subway during my lunch hour, whenever they had an enticing "gift with purchase (GWP)" offer (and theirs were always the best!). (Cosmetics were the only thing I could afford to buy there...!) Holts also had a couple of brands that were exclusive to their store at the time, including Prescriptives, which offered customized foundation blends that they made up for you while you waited. (I had mine done, and I LOVED it!)  

I was a sucker for those GWP offers -- those little miniatures were so handy for travelling! (And sometimes they were refillable too.)  Let's just say that, after a while, they really start to accumulate...!  I don't think I've actually bought a tube of mascara in more than 30 years;  almost every GWP comes with one. I tried to delay any makeup or skincare purchases until the next GWP rolled around.  I kept my eyes open for the ads in the newspapers, and eventually, I got my name on file at some of the department store counters, and the staff would call whenever the next one was coming up to ask me if I wanted to reserve a bonus and pick it up that week.

I became especially friendly with D. at the Clinique counter at the Bay, where she eventually became the counter manager. She was just a few years older than me, and worked there for almost as long as I worked for my company.  She had a lovely manner -- friendly, without being pushy. I always felt that she really was trying to point me to the products she felt would work best for me, not (just) just pushing products to meet a sales quota. When I lost my job in 2014, I made a special trip to see her and ask her to take my name off her call list, because I knew I wouldn't be coming downtown very often any more.  By coincidence, she told me SHE was retiring too!  She had a new little granddaughter and wanted to spend more time with her.  I'd been her client for more than 20 years (!) -- I had an old card where she'd written her name and the date of my next appointment -- from 1991 (!). I brought that along to show her and we had a good laugh about it. We hugged each other before I left.

Since leaving work 10 years ago, my makeup consumption has dropped like a stone. (Of course, even when I was using makeup every day, I always had more stuff than I could ever use.)  These days, I can't really be bothered to put on makeup for anything other than big parties, weddings or other special occasions. I can count the number of times I put on makeup during the year on the fingers of one hand (maybe two, depending on what's going on). I still do a basic skincare routine every morning -- but if I'm not wearing makeup, I'm not taking it off and cleaning my skin again at night -- so I'm not using as much skincare stuff as I used to either. 

So I don't use, or buy, as much of the stuff as I used to -- but somehow, I still had a LOT of it! I did a huge skincare and makeup cull after I lost my job in 2014, and again before we moved in April 2016, and I think I did another one a few years back. And I STILL had -- I blush to admit -- a big pink Caboodles case (remember those??), plus two shoebox-sized Rubbermaid plastic bins full of makeup underneath the master bathroom sink -- plus three similar containers full of skincare minis under the sink in the other bathroom.  (Erk.) 

For a few years now, I've tried to remember to label any products I buy or receive as a GWP with the date (year), so I'd have an idea of how old they were. I recently read an article reminding people they should toss makeup and skincare after a certain period of time -- and I knew I had stuff that was a LOT older than the suggested timeframes!  

So, yeah -- time to toss! (Again!)  

I was fairly ruthless. Anything with no date on it, or dated older than 2020, generally got tossed.  I probably still hung onto a few things I should have thrown out. But I emptied three shoebox-sized Rubbermaid plastic bins entirely, filled a small (kitchen-sized) garbage bag with discards, and consolidated what was left. 

I made notes of a few things I tossed (or should toss) that I will want/need to replace -- my foundation & concealer is pretty old, and my eyeshadow & blusher collection is down to just about nothing now -- but I'm in no hurry to go shopping. Like I said, I don't wear the stuff very often these days.  

Plus, I'm waiting for the next gift with purchase offer. ;)   

Are you a skincare & makeup junkie like I am (or was -- I'm TRYING to be better these days...!)? 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

The invisible load

Gemma Hartley (who wrote the excellent book "Fed Up:  Emotional Labour, Women and the Way Forward" -- reviewed here) recently posted on her Substack ("No One Loves An Angry Woman") about a new book by Erica Djossa, "Releasing the Mother Load." 

Djossa posts on Instagram as "Momwell," where (among other things) she shares graphics outlining "The Invisible Load" that mothers carry -- e.g., "Bedtime Routine," "Handling Transitions." 

Looking at some of these graphics -- "Researcher of the Home," "Mealtime Routine," "Being the Creator of Fun, Magic and Memories," "The Keeper of Knowledge" -- all I could think was, hey, we non-moms do a lot of these same things too!  Yes, without the additional pressure of knowing small lives are depending on us and absorbing our example -- but some of these things (such as "deciding what to make," "preparing the grocery list," "shopping for food") need to be done whether or not we have kids. Others (e.g., "dealing with guilt and comparison," "worrying about finances and budget," "remembering all the things," "remembering where everything is," "implementing systems like calendars and reminders") are things we may still want or need to do because they make life easier and more pleasant for us and the people we love.  They're things that seem to fall to women to do, regardless of whether we're moms (and especially if we have a partner, and/or have other people depending on us, such as aging parents).  

The graphic Hartley used to illustrate her post was about "Back to School" -- "adjusting to a new routine," "buying and packing supplies," "remembering special days," "haircuts and first day of school photos," "drop off and pick up," and (this one really kills me) "grieving moments you will miss." (!) (Here's another one: "practicing separating" (!).  Like, how do you "practice separating" -- permanently??  :(  )  

I don't want to minimize the very real additional load that mothers carry -- but all I could think of was that every point on this list (and all the other similar lists on the Momwell IG account) is something that I never got to do/will never be able to do/will never be able to do with my child.  ALL of these are "moments I will miss/have missed."  

Yes, it's work, it's an additional load of stuff that mothers have to do, or feel obligated to do -- BUT, it's stuff you get to do with and FOR YOUR CHILD. 

And it's stuff that I will never get to do with and for mine.  

This, too, is an "invisible load" -- the "invisible load" of the bereaved mother and childless woman -- that parents never have to think about. 

"Queen High/Queen Wallis" by C.J. Carey (re-read)

North American cover 

(WARNING:  This review contains some mild spoilers related to the outcome of the first book in this series, "Widowland," as well as this one.)  

"Queen High" by C.J. Carey (which goes by the title "Queen Wallis" in North America) is the upcoming May book for the Nomo Book Club within the Childless Collective private online community, and the sequel to "Widowland," which I first read with the same book club in the fall of 2021 (reviewed here) and recently re-read (that review here). I first read "Queen High" in October 2022 when it was published in the U.K. (reviewed here) -- couldn't wait for it to be released in North America, almost a year later, and special-ordered a copy via Amazon! -- but I knew I'd want to re-read it to refresh my memory before our discussion begins -- particularly since I'll be the one leading it! (lol) 

"Queen High" picks up two years after the events of "Widowland." (See my review of that book for a description of the overall premise of both books. In a nutshell, the books are dystopian/alternative histories in which Germany conquered Britain in World War II.) It's 1955, the Leader (i.e., Hitler -- although he is never named) is dead and so is King Edward VIII.  (Rather improbably), our heroine, Rose Ransom, is back at her job in the Ministry of Culture, "correcting" classic works of British literature to conform to the new regime's worldview. By some miracle, her role in the Leader's assassination (obliquely referred to as "the Event") has not been discovered.   

Now Rose has added the title of Poet Hunter to her job description -- poetry being a particularly degenerate, subversive art form that has now been banned. She starts attending underground meetings where poetry is recited, circulated and discussed, invoking suppressed memories of her late father and the poetry he used to read to her. And she's been tasked with another special assignment: to go to Buckingham Palace and interview Queen Wallis, the American-born widow of the late King, prior to the upcoming visit of President and Mrs. Eisenhower of the United States. The recent murder of a high-ranking SS officer has the authorities on edge, desperate to solve the crime before the President arrives. 

As with "Widowland," this was a fast, absorbing read, with tension mounting as the the date of the Eisenhower visit draws near and the various plot elements converge. We find out more about what has happened to many of the characters we first met in "Widowland" -- including the Friedas (childless widows over the age of 50, ranked lowest on the social classification ladder), and Rose's former co-worker and lover, Oliver, who disappeared in the aftermath of "the Event."  

The ending still packs an emotional punch (albeit not as great as it did the first time I read the book, shortly after the death of Queen Elizabeth II)(let that be a hint/mild spoiler, lol). 

As I've observed previously, there are other dystopian novels with similar premises. Nevertheless, Carey does an amazing job of combining dystopian elements with feminism, patriotism, and the subversive power of literature. There's a lot here that will sound ominously familiar and highly relevant. I would love to see these novels being read more widely!  (And I still think that, properly done, they would make great movies/TV series!) 

4.5 stars this time around, but rounded up to 5 stars on Goodreads (my original rating). 

Our group's next book, coming up in June, is tennis legend Billie Jean King's memoir, "All In." (Just in time for Wimbledon!) It's a long one, so I'll probably start reading it soon, certainly by mid-May! 

ALI note:  The vilification of the Friedas -- and the regime's plans to deal with them -- can be difficult to read about (especially as someone who would be classified as a Frieda in this world). Once again, though, they prove themselves to be the true heroines of these books!  

Also:  In "Widowland," Rose's friend Helena becomes pregnant by a married SS officer. In "Queen High/Queen Wallis," we learn more about what's happened to her and her child.

Original UK cover 

Text note: As I mentioned here, and in my recent re-review, I noticed some differences between the original U.K. hardcover version of "Widowland" (published by Quercus) and the North American edition (published in paperback and digital formats by Sourcebooks)  -- most notably at the very end. I first noticed this when the North American paperback version came out (I already had the original hardcover edition from the U.K.). 

I wasn't consciously looking for differences between the U.K. & North American versions of "Queen High/Queen Wallis" as I re-read it (I originally read the UK hardcover, but chose the digital North American version, this time around) -- but last night, after I finished the book & turned out the lights and lay in bed, it struck me that I hadn't noticed a particular brief passage at the very end that, in the original hardcover UK version, I found very moving and had me reaching for Kleenex.  I checked this morning, and sure enough, those few sentences are missing from the North American version of the book!  

It's not anything that changes the overall arc or outcome of the book, or was as glaringly noticeable as the changes made to the very end of the North American version of "Widowland." But I'm really curious as to why those changes were made?!  

This was Book #14 read to date in 2024 (and Book #5 finished in April), bringing me to 31% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) on track to meet my goal. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

Odds & ends

• YES!!!!!!  Casting for three of the four main roles in the movie version of Richard Osman's "The Thursday Murder Club" was announced on Tuesday:  Helen Mirren as Elizabeth (the ONLY person I could ever picture in the role!!), Ben Kingsley as Ibrahim (on my casting list as a possibility), and Pierce Brosnan as Ron.  Never would have thought of him! -- but I think he will work out fine! Joyce, still TBA. (I've always pictured Penelope Wilton, or possibly Julie Walters.)  I love, love, LOVE these books!  I am so happy with these casting choices, and I CANNOT WAIT!!! to see the movie! ❤  (Haven't been to a movie theatre since pre-pandemic -- this would be worth risking covid for!  lol)   
• Links to my reviews of the books in the series, in order of publication:  
• "The Thursday Murder Club"  
• "The Man Who Died Twice" 
• "The Bullet That Missed" 
• "The Bullet That Missed (re-read)" 
• "The Last Devil to Die" 
• I kind of forgot (as I often do) that this was National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been busy and I haven't been on social media as much this week as I sometimes am, so I didn't realize it until I was looking at some Instagram posts -- "oh yeah...!"  It kind of feels like it doesn't apply to me anymore, as someone 20+ years out from fertility treatments, and permanently childless. 
• Except that it DOES apply. I'm (still) infertile, and always will be -- nothing has changed in that respect. And I saw a great Instagram Story from Katy at Childless Collective, pointing out that a good chunk (probably the majority!) of the billions upon billions of dollars in profits made by the pharmaceutical companies who are the major sponsors of NIAW actually came from US -- the people who did fertility treatments (often multiple cycles) that never worked, and eventually, ultimately, walked away with empty arms. If those companies invested even just a fraction of those huge profits into providing better support services and counselling and other such off-ramps for those of us whose treatments were unsuccessful and who had to stop, it might make a horribly fraught and jarring transition just a little bit easier to survive. (But I won't hold my breath...!) 
• "Fertility clinics in Ontario are desperately in need of government oversight," says an opinion piece in the Toronto Star this week. (Surprise!) (Not sure if this is behind a paywall, but unfortunately, no gift links apparently available.)  
• Got my first opt-out email related to Mother's Day last week (from Ancestry -- see the screenshot, above). May there be many more!  (But I haven't noticed any since then... and I'm not holding my breath...!)  
• Have you seen the most recent TV commercial for Priceline with Kaley Cuoco (Penny on "The Big Bang Theory")?  
• "Hey, with Priceline VIP Family you can unlock deals five times faster... you don't even have to be an actual family," she chirps. (!)
• The guys she's talking to immediately start arguing, "Oh, I'd be the dad!" "I'm the dad!" etc. -- until Kaley says "Okay, which dad is paying?" -- and they all start pointing at each other. 
• Okay, you don't have to be an "actual family" to qualify -- i.e., no discrimination against singles or non-parents -- which is good (I guess?). But that phrase -- "an actual family" -- has me grinding my teeth. (Define "an actual family," right??) 
• (In fact, if anyone can get the deals, why is it even called "Priceline VIP Family" in the first place??)  
• Rosalyn Scott, who runs the NoMo Book Club on Instagram, has a new website featuring interviews with childless & childfree writers. Check it out at Other Words! 
• Mali has an essay in a new book that's coming out soon!  "Otherhood" is a collection of essays from New Zealand writers on being childless, childfree and child-adjacent, edited by Kathryn Van Beek, Alie Benge and Lil O'Brien. It's being released in NZ on May 9th. I checked a couple of North American bookseller websites, and it seems the e-book/Kindle version will be available here that day too, but we will have to wait until August for the paper edition. More details in Mali's recent post. 
• Infertile Phoenix is stepping away from her blog for a while. :(  Go leave her some appreciative words!  
• I am really enjoying Kirsten Powers's Substack, "Changing the Channel," and her most recent post really struck a chord with me -- and I suspect it will with many of you too:  " 'Winners' Know When To Quit:  Why we need to understand the power of letting go of what is not working." It's free to read (and the interview is free to watch -- there's a transcript you can download too) for a week (i.e., until about May 1st), and then it will go behind a subscriber paywall. (I'm just a free subscriber -- so far... can my budget afford yet another Substack subscription??  Hmmmm....)  
• I haven't watched the video or read the transcript yet -- and from what I can tell, there's not a word said about infertility treatments &/or childlessness -- but there's a line near the end that summarizes the message in a nutshell:  "We all need to learn how to quit before we hit rock bottom."  AMEN!  
• "Is It Okay To Dislike Children?"  Jill Filipovic, who is childfree by choice, ponders this question on her Substack. A couple of excerpts (but do go and read the whole thing -- I don't think it's paywalled):  

In the US, it’s overwhelmingly the same people who style themselves as pro-child and pro-family who are the most politically hostile to the actual well-being of children. Conservatives have for decades emphasized their love of children and babies, while cutting funding for public education and children’s healthcare, doing nothing to stop the gun murders of children in schools, opposing paid leave for the people who birth and raise those children, stripping school lunches of any nutritional value, and sometimes putting deadly weapons in their own children’s hands and then taking family Christmas photos. These are not generally people who identify as “child-free.” They are overwhelmingly people who say they love kids. But they are people who are really, really bad for children....

Most child-free people, as far as I can tell, do not hate children. Many adore children, they just don’t want to raise them; others don’t adore children and generally avoid them but don’t hate them either. And no doubt many people who really dislike children or are hostile to children in public spaces are also parents. But regardless of the reality, the childfree are generally the ones presumed to be hostile to children. So it’s interesting to look at the demographics of the child-free in America, where not having children is disproportionately common among highly-educated city-dwelling liberal women and gay men, and realize that the same people being tarred as child-haters are also the ones overwhelmingly voting and advocating for the policies which most benefit children and mothers. If that goes along with preferring a dog-friendly child-free local pub and allowing a look of annoyance to cross one’s face when one hears a screaming baby in a fancy restaurant, honestly, I’ll take it.

"Bel Lamington" by D.E. Stevenson (re-read)

My D.E. Stevenson group recently finished our chapter-by-chapter group reading and discussion of "Bel Lamington" (published in 1961). I read the book on my own back in January, before we began (original review here). 

An only child who was orphaned at age 3, Bel (Beatrice Elizabeth Lamington = BEL) was raised by a kind aunt, now dead. Now in her early 20s, Bel is working hard to make ends meet as a secretary to one of the partners in a London shipping firm.  

One day, she comes home to her flat and finds a strange young man sitting in the little garden she's created on the rooftop outside her window. Their subsequent friendship kicks off a series of changes and upheavals in Bel's life, including a reunion with an old school friend and an unexpected holiday in Scotland, where we get to catch up with some of our favourite characters from a few of DES's earlier novels.   

The usual elements of many DES novels are present here, including well-drawn, kind and thoughtful characters (with a dash of selfish & nasty supporting players for contrast and dramatic tension!) and lovely descriptions. I found Bel's privileged friend Louise mildly annoying, and a few of the plot elements/coincidences were a little hard to believe. But I appreciated the realistic portrayal of Bel's struggles to deal with loneliness and office politics (among other things), and her (well-founded) anxieties about illness and poverty. Mild spoiler alert:  there is a happy ending!  ;)  And, as usual, our group discussion added to my enjoyment of the book, broadened my perspective and deepened my understanding. 

ALI note:  The loss of a baby (both baby & mother unseen, but discussed) is mentioned. 

I'm upgrading my previous rating of 3.5 stars, rounded down to 3 on Goodreads, to 3.5, rounded up to 4.  :)    

Our next scheduled book will be the sequel to this one, "Fletcher’s End." Start date TBA. 

This was Book #13 read to date in 2024 (and Book #4 finished in April), bringing me to 29% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 1 book behind schedule to meet my goal. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."